Then Sings My Soul Page 3

  Hazel watched as several managers emerged from the conference room, Mr. Levine among them. They had been in a meeting all morning long. The atmosphere around the office was filled with tension though Hazel did her best to avoid thinking about what loomed ahead. Gathering up her courage, she walked haltingly into her supervisor's office.

  Looking up from his desk, he smiled his patronizing smile. "Mrs. Porter, what can I do for you?"

  After she explained, he said, "We're very busy as you well know. This is a really bad time." Nevertheless, he told her, she could have two days off. Today being Wednesday, she didn't have to report to work until Monday. That would give her enough time, she hoped, to fly back east and return with her mother.

  She felt relieved. Tomorrow she would leave for Philadelphia if she could get a flight. Her head filled with plans of things she must do before taking off. Lunchtime she rushed over to her bank to withdraw money for the trip. Her heart sank as she saw the dent this excursion put on her savings. The rest of the day she cleaned up as many papers on her desk that she could knowing the pile would be even higher when she returned. She had a chapter to read for her class if she could get that done. "Hell," she mumbled to herself. She needed a cigarette and maybe even a drink.

  That evening she told Shanell. Tricia hadn't yet come in from her rehearsal. Singing was Tricia's passion and Hazel supported her dream. She'd had people all her life telling her how to live, discouraging her from doing the things she wanted to do so she wasn't about to lay that trip on her daughter. And besides, she always knew Tricia had talent. 'Maybe she will be a star one day,' Hazel thought. 'Maybe when she makes a lot of money, she'll buy us a home.' She laughed to herself. 'No, I just want her to be happy, to have a better life than I've had.'

  The phone rang. Shanell grabbed it after the first ring.

  "Momma, it's for you," she yelled from the kitchen.

  Hazel reached for the extension. A deep voice sang over the wire. "Hi baby, you coming over tonight?"

  "Hang up the phone, Shanell!" Hazel waited until she heard the line click.

  "I can't tonight, Kevin," she whispered. His voice always thrilled her. "I've got to fly to Philadelphia to pick up my mother." She explained her mother's condition.

  "What time do you have to be at the airport?" His voice was filled with concern. She told him. He offered to drive her.

  Out of all the men that had paraded through her life, Kevin was the one who she could really love. He was the one she should have met in the beginning. Before Martin, before Teddy, before Donald, before all the disappointments, and the bad relationships that hardened her toward most men. At one point, she believed she needed a man to make her feel like a woman. A woman wasn't a woman without a man. That belief had led her to accept any man that walked into her life, and there had been plenty, many more than the three that had passed through and had left an indelible imprint on her. She regretted knowing Martin but not having had Tricia. Teddy was another man she could have lived without. Except for Shanell’s resemblance to him, she could barely remember what he looked like.

  Don't even mention Donald. That was a mistake from the first. Thank goodness she didn't get pregnant by him. He was the worst. And she'd had the nerve to marry him. It lasted less than six months and almost tore her life apart. Until Kevin came along she was beginning to feel that all men were no good. But by then she had decided that she would never allow a man to come between herself and her daughters again. Never again would she let a man run her life.

  Sweet Kevin. He is what a man is supposed to be, she thought as she settled back into her seat on the plane. She cared a great deal for this dark, good-looking man with deep dimples and a crooked smile.

  "If only...." She dashed the thought from her mind and looked down at the book she'd brought with her. Accounting Principles, printed in bold letters across the face. Opening it to the chapter she'd marked, she began to read.

  Chapter 3 - Shanell

  Shanell looked at her profile in the mirror. She pushed out her chest, which was already 34A, a size larger than her sister's. She smiled, pulling down the neck of her tee shirt to reveal the beginnings of cleavage. Already well developed for a young girl of fourteen, she smoothed her hands over her flat stomach and along her waist.

  "Stop trying to act older than you are. You're just courting trouble," her mother had warned. She reached for the brush and began brushing her shoulder-length hair. When she piled it on top of her head, she could probably pass for sixteen or older. She brushed it over to one side...or maybe twenty. Despite her efforts, her face still looked like a girl not long into her teens, which she was. She opened Tricia's makeup case and began to search for color. She applied foundation, lipstick, and rouge. Next she lined her eyelids and put mascara on her lashes. Satisfied, she was beginning to look older. Momma had some earrings that looked great on her. She went into her mother's room, opened her jewelry box and took out a pair of rhinestone earrings. In her mother's closet she found a tight fitting red dress, the one her mother wore when she use to go out a lot. It was too old fashion. Then she remembered the dress Tricia had bought to wear to perform in; a brand new green, sequined tee strap that barely came down to the top of her thighs and fit like a bodysuit.

  Yes. She sighed with approval. 'It looks better on me than on her,' she thought. 'And with these high heel pumps—look out En Vogue, here comes Shanell!'

  Standing in front of the mirror, she mimicked Gladys Knight. He's leaving, on that midnight train to Georgia, coming from the radio. Her eyes fell on the ashtray on her mother's nightstand. Opening the drawer, she took out her mother's pack of Merit, stuck a cigarette in her mouth, lit it from the lighter laying nearby, and inhaled deeply. She coughed again and again. The lit cigarette dropped from her hand and into her lap. By the time she retrieved it, a small hole was beginning to form on the dress. Shanell panicked. Dashing into the bathroom, she whipped the dress over her head and threw it into the tub, turning on the water.

  Her heart beat rapidly. 'Tricia is gonna kill me." She examined the now-soaked dress. A few sequins had dropped off. The hole, though, was barely noticeable. Shanell glanced up at the clock. Tricia would be home any minute. Luckily Momma was out of town and wouldn't be back until tomorrow. She turned on the fan and held the dress up in front of it. 'It'll never be dry by the time Tricia comes home,' she thought. 'What about the dryer?' Quickly putting back on her clothes and finding a quarter in her mother's drawer, she dashed downstairs to the laundry room. Thank goodness it was empty. She threw the dress into the dryer and inserted the quarter. The drum began to spin tossing the sequined dress from side to side sounding like a jar filled with loose change shattering the silence of the room. Instead of waiting the twenty minutes for the dryer to stop, Shanell rushed back up to the apartment and began straightening up, putting Tricia's makeup case away, hanging her mother's dress in the closet, and opening the window to get rid of the smell of cigarette smoke. Just as she finished, the door opened and Tricia walked in.

  "Whatcha doing in Momma's room?" her sister asked going into her room and taking off her clothes. "Been in Momma's makeup again? And you better take off her earrings. Girl, you can't wait to be grown." Tricia was in a good mood. Shanell glanced at herself in the mirror and saw that the mascara had smeared, as had the lipstick. The rhinestone earrings sparkled in the hall light. She dashed into the bathroom and washed her face. Hurrying back to Tricia's bedroom, she sat down on the bed and watched her sister change into shorts and tee shirt, praying that she wouldn't look into her closet and notice her new dress missing. The dress! She remembered. How to get it back without Tricia finding out?

  "I'll be right back," Shanell said.

  "Where are you going?" she heard Tricia call as she hastened down to the basement. The dryer had stopped and the dress lay in a heap on the bottom. She picked it up and held it up to the light. It definitely didn't look new anymore. The dress, with the small hole and the missing sequins, was not meant to be washed mu
ch less dried in a dryer; it had shrunk. Her heart sank. The dress was ruined. Tricia would never forgive her.

  Shanell wrapped it into a ball, put it into a plastic bag she'd found in the trashcan, and carried it upstairs. Tricia was in the bathroom when she entered the apartment. Sneaking to her room, she opened her closet and shoved the dress in as far back as it would go, hidden behind a box of clothes Hazel intended to give to the Salvation Army someday.

  "Is something the matter?" Tricia asked as she walked by Shanell's room. "You been real quiet. Are you thinking about Ma’dear coming?" Tricia sat down beside Shanell. "Well, we better start cleaning up your room to get it ready for her."

  Chapter 4 - Ma'dear

  Everybody treating me like I've lost my mind. As if I can't hear or think. Oh, why did this have to happen? This is the third time. I felt it coming on especially when I had that bad headache that wouldn't go away and when I lost my sight for a little while. I should have gone to Dr. Bryant when it started happening again. But I didn't, and now all I can do is lie here like a vegetable. Can't move my right arm, can't say what I want to say. They're all around me making a fuss and treating me like I'm a child.

  "Melvin" I say as loud as I can. He doesn't hear me. I'm thirsty. My throat feels like a dusty road. Melvin and Hazel got their heads together, whispering. I can hear! I'm not a child!

  "Does she understand what we're saying?" Hazel asks.

  She looks good but her suit is too tight and too short.

  "Yeah, she does, I think. She can nod her head. The doctor says she'll get stronger with therapy. Sis. I don't know how to thank you. If you need anything, call. Now I'll just check her out, load her things into the car and drive you and Mama to the airport."

  Melvin, I'm thirsty. Can I get a drink of water? Wait, don't go.

  "How you feeling, Mama? It's me. Your daughter, Hazel. Don't you know me?

  Course I know you. Somebody get me some water.

  "What is it you want? Is there something I can get you?"

  Hazel was always so helpless, like I am now.

  "I'd better call the nurse."

  She pokes around my bed, searching for the call button.

  "How you doing, Mrs. Livingston? What can I do for you? I see you're getting ready to leave us."

  "She seems to be saying something but I don't understand.

  Of course you don't understand. Why do I have to go with her? Why can't I go back to my apartment or to Melvin and Althea's? Why do I have to be sent halfway across the country to a place of godless people?

  "Do you want some water? Here, have a sip. You see. Look at her go. She was just thirsty."

  "Nurse, How am I gonna manage when I can't understand what she wants?"

  "When you've been around her a while, you'll know. She tells you. Watch her eyes. You'll catch on."

  That was good. If I could just go to sleep.

  "See, she's tired. She'll be okay. You'll be fine won't you, Mrs. Livingston? Mrs. Livingston? Now you be a good girl. Don't go giving your daughter no trouble."

  I wish I could get up and walk right out of here. Melvin comes back. He seems anxious to get rid of me.

  "The car's all packed and ready to go. Let's get her into the wheelchair."

  I don't remember the trip to the airport. I don't remember even being put on the plane. Hazel stares out the window. I guess she's thinking what to do with me. I hoped they locked my apartment door. I hope Mavis remembers to come in and water my plants. Melvin said he'd take care of everything but he's never been long on memory.

  It all happened so fast. I didn't get to say goodbye to Mavis, to any of the ladies in the complex or to Mr. Carter, not to anybody. Did I leave a pot burning? Seems to me I remember I was standing by the stove frying a piece of fish when I felt this sharp pain. When I woke up I was in an ambulance. Was there a fire? I remember hearing loud noises. Must have set off the alarm, like when old man Grover fell and broke his hip; he crawled over to the buzzer and pushed it and everybody came running. They really watch out for you in that building.

  Why do I have to go to California? Why couldn't I go home? They could have gotten a nurse to look after me, one of those homecare workers. My children, always doing things half ass. Going to all that expense and for what? I'll be all right in a few weeks. It's a waste of money to take me all the way across country for a few weeks. Why couldn't I have just stayed with Melvin and Althea? I know they fight a lot but at least I'd be closer to home.

  "Here's your dinner, ladies. Would you mind lowering your trays?"

  "I'm sorry. I'm not very hungry."

  What is this mess?

  "I'll cut up your meat for you, Mama"

  "Would you ladies like tea or coffee?"

  I'll have coffee.

  "She'll just have water, thank you. I'll have a scotch and soda."

  Chapter 5 - Hazel

  As the plane descended into LAX, Hazel stretched and glanced over at her sleeping mother. Ma’dear looked so frail, so weak and helpless. Unlike the strong, self-confident poised woman who raised her and her brother alone after their stepfather died. In her attempt to instill independence and discipline in her children, especially her daughter, Sarah Livingston had raised Hazel with a long arm, distant, critical, wanting to prepare her for the world so she would not be defeated. Few affectionate hugs and kisses dwelled in Hazel's memory of her mother, only words of caution, criticism and pride. The one thing Hazel was grateful to her mother for was the fact that she taught her to be proud of her heritage, something she wanted to pass on to her girls. However, somehow, with this business of living, she hadn't had time.

  'Now what?' Hazel thought. 'Where do we go from here? How will I be able to manage?' She wasn't sure.

  She woke her mother and with the flight attendant's help, they managed to get Ma’dear off the plane, out of the airport, and to a taxi stand.

  "Are you comfortable, Ma’dear?" Hazel asked as the taxi driver wheeled into the traffic lanes on the 405 Freeway. It was almost 9 pm, yet traffic was still pretty heavy.

  "You'll be surprised when you see Tricia and Shanell. They've grown since you last saw them." Hazel felt she was prattling on about nothing important. And getting no response from her mother made her chatter even more. Ma’dear stared ahead.

  "You mind if I smoke? I know you don't approve, but it helps calm me down. And this trip's been so hectic." She rolled down her window as she lit a cigarette, took a deep drag and felt the smoke permeate her lungs. Her mother coughed.

  "Sorry," Hazel said as she tossed the cigarette out into the night. "It's such a beautiful night, don't you think? It's been so hot lately..." Stop it! She told herself. Stop talking! She lay her head back against the seat cushion and closed her eyes letting silence fill the empty space between them.

  As soon as the driver stopped in front of their apartment building, he jumped out and removed Ma'dear's suitcase from the trunk. Hazel handed him the fare along with a generous tip. Tricia and Shanell came bounding down the steps, rushed over to their grandmother hugged and kissed her cheek.

  "Watch out you don't knock her down," Hazel scolded as she helped her mother over to the steps. While Tricia carried her grandmother's large suitcase up the stairs, Shanell reached for her mother's overnight case.

  "Run up to Mr. Frazier's apartment and ask if he can help me get Ma’dear upstairs."

  "Can she talk?" Shanell whispered to her mother. When her mother didn't answer, she reluctantly turned and went into the building.

  A stocky man, Mr. Frazier lived in the downstairs apartment with his wife. Both he and his wife had a down-home friendliness that made Hazel unafraid to call on them when she needed help. In turn, Shanell fed their cat and took care of their plants whenever they went to visit their daughter and grandchildren who lived up north.

  After a short while, their neighbor came down and picked Ma'dear up as if she were a 5 lb. sack of flour. He carried the old woman up the steps and into their apartment.

&nb
sp; "Light as a feather," he said, depositing Ma’dear on Shanell's bed. Hazel thanked him as she walked him to the door. When she returned, Shanell and Tricia had unpacked Ma’dear's clothes, hung them up in the closet, and began helping her into her nightclothes.

  "Can we get you anything to eat, Ma’dear?" asked Tricia.

  Her grandmother shook her head slightly.

  "Ma'dear's tired from the long trip," Hazel whispered. "Now, you all have to be quiet; don't make any unnecessary noises to disturb your grandmother," she cautioned as she shooed the girls from the room.

  After turning off the overhead light and switching on the lamp on the nightstand, she moved towards the door.

  "If you need anything, just call." 'That was a silly thing to say,' Hazel thought.

  Tricia and Shanell were waiting in their mother's bedroom.

  "How long is she going to stay with us?" Shanell asked stretching out across Hazel's bed.

  "I told you, for as long as she likes." Hazel removed her dress and hung it up in the closet. She pulled on her bathrobe and tied it around her waist. Then she sat down at her dressing table and brushed out her short perm.

  "Who's gonna look after her while we're at school?" asked Tricia.

  Hazel hadn't thought that far. Could she afford a nurse? Her mother would need a wheelchair, therapy, so much that Hazel suddenly felt overwhelmed. Her two days of leave were up, and she was due to report to work tomorrow. No sense in asking for more days because she knew it wouldn't be granted, not with pay anyway and now with this extra burden, she couldn't afford to take time off without pay.

  "Tricia, you or Shanell are going to have to stay home with Ma’dear until the end of the week so I can get things straightened out." Both girls looked at each other.

  "But Mom, I'm behind in my assignments. I can't miss any days if I want to graduate."